I Am Not My Hair....

Like many black women these days, I’ve made the decision to go relaxer free and embrace my God-given curls and kinks. No longer a slave to the creamy crack (a.k.a. relaxer), I’ve survived  the difficult withdrawal period when the desire for smooth edges and tamed tresses was so intense, I would frequently find myself lost in thought as I longingly gazed at the smooth “kitchens” and bouncy coifs of permed ladies on my morning train to work. Now clean of my addiction, I have eschewed those former practices that kept me tethered and bound to my hairstylist, and I have vowed to embrace my hair in whatever texture that it sprouts from my hair follicles*.

My personal transition journey has not been easy, and I’ve definitely learned through trial and error what works for my unique hair texture. I’ve often felt like I was back in my undergrad Organic Chemistry lab, mixing different oils, gels and conditioners; noting my hair’s reaction to different amounts and combinations; and finally coming up with a styling product equation that produces the desired amount of shine, moisture and hold.

The same goes for finding hairstyles for my natural locs. Gone are the days when I could wrap my hair at night and awaken to a silky, shiny and straight coif; or pull my hair back into a cute ponytail on a bad hair day. These days, I stalk natural hair websites, looking for different styles to try – two strand twists, braids, twist outs, wash n go’s – I’ve tried them all! Although it takes more time and effort to maintain the results are well worth it. My chemically damaged locks have been replaced by strong healthy coils and curls.

The one thing that I’ve found surprising during my hair journey is that my husband even has an opinion about my hair at all. I initially considered this to be a personal journey for me, but as I must be continuously reminded, there is no more “me” in marriage. And as a married woman, I need to consider my spouse’s opinion and preferences even in the little decisions like hair styles.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that hubby should be able to dictate how you wear your hair, but I do believe that he has a right to his opinion and as his life partner, you should make an effort to respect said opinion. For example, I’m pretty lucky because my hubby LOVES my natural hair, but he is definitely not shy about expressing which hair styles he prefers  (twists) and which ones he wishes I would take down immediately (afro puff). My visceral reaction is to say “Hey, this is MY hair, that’s growing out of MY head so I can do with it as I choose without your consult. THANK YOU!” But, I have to remember that I’m a married grown up lady and that in marriage, there is that whole “honor and respect “ thing that I vowed to do.  

So I’ve made a conscience effort to incorporate my husband’s opinion in my hair decisions. Like when I was beginning to think about going natural, I talked about it with my husband well in advance and he actually encouraged me to go ahead and do it after hearing me lament every 4 – 6 weeks about those costly marathon hair relaxer salon appointments. My hubby was also integral in my decision to cut off my relaxed tresses instead of opting for a slow transition. A friend of his actually preformed my BC (big chop). I also try to incorporate some of his favorite styles into my growing natural hair style repertoire. I’ve even perfected the two strand twist myself (one of his faves)!

This man is going to be looking at you and your head everyday (hopefully) forever.  A little consideration in ensuring that your personal aesthetic pleases him can go a long way in maintaining a happy union.

*(Please note: I’m not one of those natural hair warriors who feel the need to evangelize the natural life and rebuke ladies who choose to relax. It’s all a matter of personal choice. Love yourself and do you! )

Tainted Love

Now that the continuous stream of media coverage following Whitney Houston’s death has slowed to a trickle, I can’t help but think back to some of my favorite Whitney memories. No, it’s not Whitney winning Grammy after Grammy in the 80’s (I barely remember that stuff anyways), it’s not when she time traveled through fashion in the “I’m Your Baby Tonight Video”, and it’s not even when she starred in the groundbreaking girlfriend flick “Waiting to Exhale”. No, my favorite memories occur during her “Bobby Brown years”. Yes, I know it’s wrong to find bits of amusement in someone else’s misfortune, but I loved her in all of her crazy until the very end. I can’t help but giggle when I think back to some of Whitney’s most memorable quotes during those years, especially “crack is whack” (still wondering about the drug dealers that keep receipts) and “Bobbeeeeeee” along with other candid comments caught on the disastrously hilarious “Being Bobby Brown”.

From the outside, Whitney and Bobby’s union was a comedian’s dream, a hilarious heap of cocaine-fueled crazy that seemed to continue on as if propelled by inertia. But the romantic in me believes that these two truly did love each other until the end. But here’s the thing, not all love is good love. I might love to ride on roller coasters at Six Flags sans safety belt, allowing myself to experience the rush of adrenalin as I swerve speedily around the coaster’s curves and feeling my body attempt to escape from my seat as the coaster barrels down steep hills, but I can’t do this in reality because it is incredibly dangerous and contradicts that whole “self preservation” thing that I’m really into. Whitney and Bobby’s love was similar. I’m sure it felt great to both of them, but they were completely unhealthy for each other. What they shared was a tainted love.

As Whitney and Bobby’s marriage illustrates, strong feelings of love fueled by lust and desire are definitely not grounds to go off and marry someone. I’m sure many of us have significant others from the past that we loved (or at least thought we loved) but would agree that they are “exes” for good reason. Perhaps that person was brought into your life for some other reason, like teaching you patience, or showing you what traits you definitely cannot tolerate in a significant other. That’s why in every relationship you need to do as the old-school hymn says and “take everything to God in prayer”. Pray for guidance. Pray for discernment. Pray that your own feelings do not get in the way of His will. And then wait on an answer. Praying is a lot wiser than wasting time in a tainted love with someone that is no good for you anyway.

Divorceable Action

I know that I’m waaay late in providing my two cents on the now infamous Kardashian-Humphries, 72 day marriage, but I felt compelled to write about it after seeing a promo for the Kim and Kourtney Take on New York show. I did not catch the entire advert, but the gist was that Kim was upset with Kris for leaving the country without her knowledge (cue dramatic music and serious, deep voice announcer guy). This action ultimately led to Kim filing for divorce a few weeks later.

Was Kim right to be upset about Kris’ immature and inconsiderate trip abroad, ABSOLUTELY! Was this a reason for divorce, ABSOLUTELY NOT (in my opinion)!

I know that many may disagree with me, but one thing that I have gained in these first few years of marriage (aside from those stubborn newlywed pounds) is an increased tolerance and patience in dealing with my spouse. Admittedly, we have both been guilty of thoughtless behavior as we adjust to our new status as "Mr. and Mrs.". For some, it just takes a little longer to acquiesce, and I think Kris may be one of those people. Kris’ actions reflect his age, character, and maybe some general naiveté about marriage. All of these things are understandable and a part of that sometimes painful adjustment period that all newlyweds go through.

This is why I'm a staunch advocate of a lengthy courting period (at least 1 year). There are always exceptions to the rule, but I believe it takes some time to learn a person's true character and to see how they react in different situations before you can make a decision about spending the rest of your life with this person.

Our premarital counselor always made a point of stressing the seriousness and permanence of marriage to us. In so many words he was trying to tell us that if we had any doubts about what we were about to embark upon, to work through them or decide to get out now! My husband and I both had an understanding of the seriousness of our union to ourselves, our family, our friends, and our future progeny. We also felt that we knew each other well enough to feel completely confident in the decision we were making.

An understanding of the severity of marriage makes one think more than twice before proceeding with any type of divorce action. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that if either spouse becomes emotionally or physically abusive, or does something to undermine each other's happiness and well being then divorce is certainly justifiable and appropriate. If he becomes the NeNe to my Kim, the Tea Party to my Obama, you best believe I’ll be headed to the attorney’s office with a quickness.

Not to sound like a broken record but I truly believe that marriages require work and effort. You get out what you put in. Couples should approach marriage in the same way the Toyota approaches automobile manufacturing: continuous quality improvement. Keep working on your issues together until you can come up with solutions that work for the two of you. Check in with each other to ensure that you are both getting what you need out of the relationship and are happy in the marriage. I know some couples who actually schedule "state of the union" meetings with each other periodically. Do what works for you!

While rumors abound over the legitimacy of the Humphries-Kardashian marriage, the romantic in me believes that these two were truly in love but entered into the marriage with unrealistic expectations. The ever present and intrusive media could not have helped the situation either. Hopefully, these two have learned their lesson and will consider the realities of married life before saying "I do" again.

Goodbye 2011....

2011 was an eventful year to say the least. I’m well aware of the truth in common adages like “ life is full of challenges” and “the only thing certain about life is uncertainty”, but this year’s life lessons seemed to have come from the Biblical book of Job. Okay, maybe I was not afflicted with sores or the loss of all of my worldly possessions but this year definitely sucked to say the least.


The year culmintated with the loss of my father in later October. Watching him die and later planning his funeral were the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. No amount of meditation or preparation can prepare you for such a devastating loss. And, while I welcome life’s opportunities for personal growth and maturation, I prefer my life lessons come in the form of Joel Osteen sermons or observing the misadventures of the Housewives of (pick your city).

But as the Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for the good of those who love Him”, for it was throughout these trying trials that I was affirmed of the primary benefit of marriage: true partnership. My husband was by my side at all times offering his support, not only in words but in action. If the tables had been turned, I’m not even sure that I would have been able to be as supportive, positive and gracious in the face of such adversity.

So as my friends and neighbors begin 2012 by resolving to reduce their waistlines or honor Oprah by refraining from texting while driving, I’m resolving to take a queue from the Bible by actively choosing to set my mind on positive things. Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”. It would be easy to wallow in self pity and focus solely on the negatives from the past year, but I’m choosing instead to focus the positives, thanking God for a supportive spouse, and thanking Him in advance for an awesome 2012.

Jumping the Broom

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything (got to do better!) ,but I wrote this a while back and never got around to posting it. Hope you enjoy it! - The (Not so) Newlywed

This weekend, between preparing for Mother’s Day and running my usual weekend errands, I made my way to the movie theater to see the latest black movie de jour, “Jumping the Broom”. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! The movie is wonderfully produced, full of intelligent dialogue, realistic scenarios, beautiful people and beautiful scenery. It’s the anti-Madea :-)

One of the major themes of the movie is the involvement of families in the lives of engaged couples. Whether you like it or not, you must deal with the fact that you are not only marrying your boo, but also his whole family. That includes the bougie auntie who wouldn’t dare wear shoes without red soles, or his brother who always seems to be in need of a loan. Yep, that’s your family too now!

Some newlyweds are lucky and find themselves in love with their in-laws as much as with their spouse, while others may find themselves wondering why God has chosen to have them marry into a family of Jerry Springer Show guests. The fact is that this is your family now and this is the man/woman that you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Because your spouse’s family is important to them, they should be important to you. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean you need to have a standing weekly lunch date with him mom, but you should definitely try to be gracious and respectful towards them.

In the movie the groom’s mom and the bride bump heads due to miscommunication and misunderstandings around the wedding plans. Wedding are a super emotionally charged event (the parent feel like they are losing a child, the betrothed are nervous about their future roles, the bride is nervous about fitting into her dress etc..) and although you may feel it’s only about you and your boo, the family has their own plans. That’s why it’s so important for the engaged couple to present themselves as a united front.

Here are a few things that I learned about how to handle the family when it comes to wedding details:

1. Let him/her handle his or her own family: Your spouse should make sure that his side is on board with wedding plans (ex. when to show up at rehearsal, guests lists, putting the crazy people in check) and you need to do them same for yours.

2. Let it Go! – Although you may have dreamed of _(fill in with your fantasy)_ your whole life, your soon-to-be in-laws may have some input on things they want to see on your special day as well. I’m one for compromise so there’s nothing wrong with carrying his grandmother’s antique hankie, using his cousin as a soloist, or making sure his auntie’s ex-husband is sitting away from the rest of the family. Especially if your spouse’s side is paying for some portion of the wedding, you should just be prepared for them to have some input. Deal with it.

3. Have each other’s back! – Remember you two are now becoming one so it’s important not to allow the opinions, comments, or well intentioned “suggestions” of others to steer you and your future spouse away from your plans or away from each other.

Just remember the Enemy does not like marriage and sees weddings as the ideal time to start riffs and strife in a seemingly blessed relationship. Make sure you two stay prayed up as a unit and remember THIS IS ONLY ONE DAY. The marriage is what’s most important and not the wedding!

Get Motivated

Where has the time gone! Looks like my vow to post something here at least once a month got lost in the holiday bustle. That and my laziness tends to go into overdrive between my birthday and New Year’s. But I have managed to pull myself from my preferred reclined position on the sofa watching ubiquitous Law & Order re-runs to jot down  another marriage-related epiphany.

This latest revelation came while sitting through a never ending series of motivational speakers at the Get Motivated! Seminar in Dallas. (Yep, some genius at my company thought it would be a good idea to send our entire department to this.) Between Zig Ziggler’s cute one liners, Emmett Smith’s robotic speech delivery (poor thing, he tried, but you could tell he was nervous) and Steve Forbes’ “make money, don‘t let it make you” talk, I actually kept my eyes open long enough to glean some universal advice from one of the speakers… “Words of encouragement can go a long way. Be sure to encourage and motivate other as they work towards their goals.” 

This advice is not only applicable to the workplace, but to a marriage as well. Its so easy to focus on your personal goals (finishing school, getting the promotion, losing 10 pounds) instead of shifting your focus to your spouse and their goals. They also require encouragement and as partners for life, you should be each other’s loudest cheerleaders. So if your spouse is working on opening a business or finishing grad school, you should be there to listen to his ideas and encourage him as he makes moves.

Now of course there’s always a caveat.  As each other’s BFFs, you should not hesitate to provide a dose of reality when needed. For example, if your spouse feels led to liquidate your retirement funds in order to pursue his goal of becoming a platinum rapper at the age of 40, you need to encourage him to reconsider that goal for a more realistic one.

So I’m making an extra effort at encouraging my spouse to achieve his personal goals and he’s doing the same for me. Now I just need to work on cheering for those “characters” that I work with…that’s going to take some extra effort!

Great Expectations

I ran across this Marie Claire article recently in which the author, a newlywed, recounts her overall experience in her first year of marriage. Seriously, this woman’s experience is eerily similar to mine, which is sort of comforting to me as it confirms that the feelings of confusion/glee/disappointment/bliss I’ve been cycling through during year 1.


Here’s a link to the entire article (CLICK HERE) , but I’ve pulled out a few of the author’s key points which mirror a lot of what I’ve discussed in past blog entries:


1) The realization that your notion of marriage is far from realistic…


Just eight hours into my marriage and I was already faking it. Debilitated by exhaustion, I peeled off my wedding dress and mustered the energy to change into a wickedly uncomfortable, laughably over-the-top lingerie set that had me spilling out of every seam. This is what new wives are supposed to do, right? Never mind that, in that moment, I had zero desire to start fulfilling wifely obligations. That should have been my first clue that my artfully constructed notion of marriage was short a few planks.


2) Domestic duties seemingly end up with the “Mrs.”, despite how enlightened one’s spouse may claim to be…


Household realities like checking up on the cleaning woman, making sure the fridge was stocked, even scheduling our therapy sessions became my responsibility. My husband calls it "marching" — the ability to plow ahead in the face of distractions and challenges. "I'm just not a marcher, and you're so good at that," he coos, a backhanded compliment that in effect crowns him the Don to my foot soldier. He makes the big decisions, I do the dirty work.


3) Arguments with one’s spouse are inevitable. These are the first of many more arguments to come. Learn from them…and get over it.


One night over drinks with my best friend, Tony, I hesitantly, delicately articulated some of the disappointments I had discovered in marriage. "Oh," Tony remarked grimly. "I'm really sorry to hear things aren't working out." What? Who said they weren't working out? (Another startling realization in the first year of marriage: Careful who you share your woes with.) Sure, I'd mentally entertained the "D" word during some of the bigger blowups, but Ofer and I had always resolved our disputes — or at least called a cease-fire — by the time our heads hit the pillows.


4) Despite all of the trouble, it’s all worth it (assuming you’ve actually selected the right person to spend the rest of your life with).


As we neared our one-year anniversary, my husband coaxed me into skydiving, despite my deep dislike of speed and heights. (He promised me outlet shopping on the way back.) My tandem instructor had to pry my hands from the side of the rickety twin-engine and nudge me off the ledge into the cold, blank sky. I pressed my eyes shut at first, stricken with uncertainty and terrified of getting hurt. But once the parachute deployed, I spent the duration of that quiet descent feeling satisfied — accomplished, even. I looked for my husband in the ether, wondering where we might land, reassured by the knowledge that it would be on solid ground.


Of course everyone’s experiences are (and will be) different during the first year, but keeping an open mind and leaving those crazy (and unrealistic) expectations out of your brain space should help minimize some of those headache-producing moments.