Jumping the Broom

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything (got to do better!) ,but I wrote this a while back and never got around to posting it. Hope you enjoy it! - The (Not so) Newlywed

This weekend, between preparing for Mother’s Day and running my usual weekend errands, I made my way to the movie theater to see the latest black movie de jour, “Jumping the Broom”. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! The movie is wonderfully produced, full of intelligent dialogue, realistic scenarios, beautiful people and beautiful scenery. It’s the anti-Madea :-)

One of the major themes of the movie is the involvement of families in the lives of engaged couples. Whether you like it or not, you must deal with the fact that you are not only marrying your boo, but also his whole family. That includes the bougie auntie who wouldn’t dare wear shoes without red soles, or his brother who always seems to be in need of a loan. Yep, that’s your family too now!

Some newlyweds are lucky and find themselves in love with their in-laws as much as with their spouse, while others may find themselves wondering why God has chosen to have them marry into a family of Jerry Springer Show guests. The fact is that this is your family now and this is the man/woman that you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Because your spouse’s family is important to them, they should be important to you. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean you need to have a standing weekly lunch date with him mom, but you should definitely try to be gracious and respectful towards them.

In the movie the groom’s mom and the bride bump heads due to miscommunication and misunderstandings around the wedding plans. Wedding are a super emotionally charged event (the parent feel like they are losing a child, the betrothed are nervous about their future roles, the bride is nervous about fitting into her dress etc..) and although you may feel it’s only about you and your boo, the family has their own plans. That’s why it’s so important for the engaged couple to present themselves as a united front.

Here are a few things that I learned about how to handle the family when it comes to wedding details:

1. Let him/her handle his or her own family: Your spouse should make sure that his side is on board with wedding plans (ex. when to show up at rehearsal, guests lists, putting the crazy people in check) and you need to do them same for yours.

2. Let it Go! – Although you may have dreamed of _(fill in with your fantasy)_ your whole life, your soon-to-be in-laws may have some input on things they want to see on your special day as well. I’m one for compromise so there’s nothing wrong with carrying his grandmother’s antique hankie, using his cousin as a soloist, or making sure his auntie’s ex-husband is sitting away from the rest of the family. Especially if your spouse’s side is paying for some portion of the wedding, you should just be prepared for them to have some input. Deal with it.

3. Have each other’s back! – Remember you two are now becoming one so it’s important not to allow the opinions, comments, or well intentioned “suggestions” of others to steer you and your future spouse away from your plans or away from each other.

Just remember the Enemy does not like marriage and sees weddings as the ideal time to start riffs and strife in a seemingly blessed relationship. Make sure you two stay prayed up as a unit and remember THIS IS ONLY ONE DAY. The marriage is what’s most important and not the wedding!

Half On A Baby

As a newlywed, it seems that the general public gives you about 1 month or so to enjoy your new status as husband and wife before “they” feel that a you should add a third person to the mix…a BABY! And the baby questions begin. The baby questions include variations of the following:

- So when are you guys going to have kids?
- When should I expect a grandchild/niece/nephew?
- How many kids do you want?
- Have you started trying for kids yet?
-How old are you? You don’t want too long! (you get this especially if you are anywhere in the vicinity of 30)

You get the idea.

Depending on my mood, my response ranges from a simple “No, not just yet” to “So do you plan on helping me take care of these babies you tryin’ to make me have!”

These questions will come from people you barely know that well (i.e. co-workers, unintentionally annoying relatives, people at Wal-Mart…okay, maybe I‘m exaggerating but do you get the idea?). For some reason people feel comfortable getting all up in your personal business when it comes to this baby stuff.

Bringing a child into this world is a decision that you and your spouse should make together WITHOUT the influence of external parties. The discussion about when to have kids, how many to have, and how to raise them should be added to the list of “Things to Discuss Before Marriage*”. And the discussion should be detailed like:

-Do you believe in “spare the rod, spoil the child” or are you all for “time outs” ?
-Private School vs. Public Schools
-What’s your definition of too much punishment or spoiling (For example: Should you make the kids work for their first car or just give them a Maybach on their 16th birthday like Diddy gave Justin on MTV‘s “Sweet 16“?)
-When should our daughter get a perm (My husband and I had this discussion after seeing “Good Hair”)
-Should someone stay home the first few years?
-How should we censor their media exposure (Is a little Lil’ Wayne okay or should we keep them on a strict Radio Disney only diet?)

Right now, I’m not ready give up my “play money” (money for impromptu trips abroad, shopping and other selfish miscellany) to deal with paying what amounts to a mortgage each month in childcare nor am I quite ready to sacrifice my free time to attend to the needs of a little “bundle of joy”.

My husband and I made the decision (before getting married) to enjoy our time together as husband and wife(sans babies) for a certain amount of time. The way we see it, our relationship is the foundation that our future family will be built upon and we want to ensure that it is as strong and as solid as possible.

So for now, I’m completely content with honing my diaper changing, burping, and mothering skills on other folks babies, until God blesses us with a “rugrat” of our own.



*a good premarital counselor can help guide you through this discussion

Happy Holidays!

With Christmas fast approaching, I felt that it was most fitting to present my thoughts on the holidays from a newlywed’s perspective.

While the holidays normally evoke pictures of Norman Rockwell-like family gatherings in the imaginations of most, for newlyweds the holidays may bring about feeling of anxiety and stress. Why? Because the newlyweds will be forced to navigate through the minefield of family feelings, traditions and unspoken expectations for the first time together as a couple. No matter what solution you come up with regarding where to spend your holidays, someone (mom, uncle, cousin, etc.) will have something to say about your decision.

First off, please, please, please, please, discuss the holiday/in law situation as far in advance as possible. I don’t mean the week before Thanksgiving or Christmas, I’m talking summer time! Actually, it should be discussed pre-wedding. This helps prevent any confusion or hurt feelings between the two of you before hand. Once the two of you make a decision, stick to it. Remember that the two of you are now one and you should be as tight as J.J. and his homies on “Good Times” (“United we stand, divided we fall, we tighter than pantyhose, two sizes small” – okay, I’m watching too much TVOne)

The first holiday is an exercise in one of those “C” words that pops up so much in marriage: Compromise. If it were up to me, we’d spend all holidays with MY family, enjoying my mom’s signature cornbread dressing and my dad’s fired turkey! An afternoon of pigging out “Golden Corral style” would be followed by entering into a food-induced coma on the living room sofa while the football game plays in on the big screen.

But instead doing what I want (that would be too easy!) I must consider that my husband also has his ideal holiday with traditions that he and his family share. I could not imagine taking the holiday happiness that he experiences in sharing with his family away from him.

So, we compromise.

Since both of our families live in the same city, we’ve decided to split our day in 3, early afternoon with my folks, mid-afternoon with his family, and the evening is left for us to enjoy each other and start our own holiday traditions, together.

Some of my other married friends split the holidays (Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with hers or vice versa) or they just invite everyone to their home to minimize complaints from the in-laws.

So this Christmas, by the end of the day, I know I’ll be stuffed with more turkey, dressing and sides than I can possibly stand, I’ll have laughed with my 5 year old cousin until my cheeks are red, and I’ll end the day with my husband, having survived our first Christmas together (hopefully) drama free.