Great Expectations

I ran across this Marie Claire article recently in which the author, a newlywed, recounts her overall experience in her first year of marriage. Seriously, this woman’s experience is eerily similar to mine, which is sort of comforting to me as it confirms that the feelings of confusion/glee/disappointment/bliss I’ve been cycling through during year 1.


Here’s a link to the entire article (CLICK HERE) , but I’ve pulled out a few of the author’s key points which mirror a lot of what I’ve discussed in past blog entries:


1) The realization that your notion of marriage is far from realistic…


Just eight hours into my marriage and I was already faking it. Debilitated by exhaustion, I peeled off my wedding dress and mustered the energy to change into a wickedly uncomfortable, laughably over-the-top lingerie set that had me spilling out of every seam. This is what new wives are supposed to do, right? Never mind that, in that moment, I had zero desire to start fulfilling wifely obligations. That should have been my first clue that my artfully constructed notion of marriage was short a few planks.


2) Domestic duties seemingly end up with the “Mrs.”, despite how enlightened one’s spouse may claim to be…


Household realities like checking up on the cleaning woman, making sure the fridge was stocked, even scheduling our therapy sessions became my responsibility. My husband calls it "marching" — the ability to plow ahead in the face of distractions and challenges. "I'm just not a marcher, and you're so good at that," he coos, a backhanded compliment that in effect crowns him the Don to my foot soldier. He makes the big decisions, I do the dirty work.


3) Arguments with one’s spouse are inevitable. These are the first of many more arguments to come. Learn from them…and get over it.


One night over drinks with my best friend, Tony, I hesitantly, delicately articulated some of the disappointments I had discovered in marriage. "Oh," Tony remarked grimly. "I'm really sorry to hear things aren't working out." What? Who said they weren't working out? (Another startling realization in the first year of marriage: Careful who you share your woes with.) Sure, I'd mentally entertained the "D" word during some of the bigger blowups, but Ofer and I had always resolved our disputes — or at least called a cease-fire — by the time our heads hit the pillows.


4) Despite all of the trouble, it’s all worth it (assuming you’ve actually selected the right person to spend the rest of your life with).


As we neared our one-year anniversary, my husband coaxed me into skydiving, despite my deep dislike of speed and heights. (He promised me outlet shopping on the way back.) My tandem instructor had to pry my hands from the side of the rickety twin-engine and nudge me off the ledge into the cold, blank sky. I pressed my eyes shut at first, stricken with uncertainty and terrified of getting hurt. But once the parachute deployed, I spent the duration of that quiet descent feeling satisfied — accomplished, even. I looked for my husband in the ether, wondering where we might land, reassured by the knowledge that it would be on solid ground.


Of course everyone’s experiences are (and will be) different during the first year, but keeping an open mind and leaving those crazy (and unrealistic) expectations out of your brain space should help minimize some of those headache-producing moments.