Get Motivated

Where has the time gone! Looks like my vow to post something here at least once a month got lost in the holiday bustle. That and my laziness tends to go into overdrive between my birthday and New Year’s. But I have managed to pull myself from my preferred reclined position on the sofa watching ubiquitous Law & Order re-runs to jot down  another marriage-related epiphany.

This latest revelation came while sitting through a never ending series of motivational speakers at the Get Motivated! Seminar in Dallas. (Yep, some genius at my company thought it would be a good idea to send our entire department to this.) Between Zig Ziggler’s cute one liners, Emmett Smith’s robotic speech delivery (poor thing, he tried, but you could tell he was nervous) and Steve Forbes’ “make money, don‘t let it make you” talk, I actually kept my eyes open long enough to glean some universal advice from one of the speakers… “Words of encouragement can go a long way. Be sure to encourage and motivate other as they work towards their goals.” 

This advice is not only applicable to the workplace, but to a marriage as well. Its so easy to focus on your personal goals (finishing school, getting the promotion, losing 10 pounds) instead of shifting your focus to your spouse and their goals. They also require encouragement and as partners for life, you should be each other’s loudest cheerleaders. So if your spouse is working on opening a business or finishing grad school, you should be there to listen to his ideas and encourage him as he makes moves.

Now of course there’s always a caveat.  As each other’s BFFs, you should not hesitate to provide a dose of reality when needed. For example, if your spouse feels led to liquidate your retirement funds in order to pursue his goal of becoming a platinum rapper at the age of 40, you need to encourage him to reconsider that goal for a more realistic one.

So I’m making an extra effort at encouraging my spouse to achieve his personal goals and he’s doing the same for me. Now I just need to work on cheering for those “characters” that I work with…that’s going to take some extra effort!

Great Expectations

I ran across this Marie Claire article recently in which the author, a newlywed, recounts her overall experience in her first year of marriage. Seriously, this woman’s experience is eerily similar to mine, which is sort of comforting to me as it confirms that the feelings of confusion/glee/disappointment/bliss I’ve been cycling through during year 1.


Here’s a link to the entire article (CLICK HERE) , but I’ve pulled out a few of the author’s key points which mirror a lot of what I’ve discussed in past blog entries:


1) The realization that your notion of marriage is far from realistic…


Just eight hours into my marriage and I was already faking it. Debilitated by exhaustion, I peeled off my wedding dress and mustered the energy to change into a wickedly uncomfortable, laughably over-the-top lingerie set that had me spilling out of every seam. This is what new wives are supposed to do, right? Never mind that, in that moment, I had zero desire to start fulfilling wifely obligations. That should have been my first clue that my artfully constructed notion of marriage was short a few planks.


2) Domestic duties seemingly end up with the “Mrs.”, despite how enlightened one’s spouse may claim to be…


Household realities like checking up on the cleaning woman, making sure the fridge was stocked, even scheduling our therapy sessions became my responsibility. My husband calls it "marching" — the ability to plow ahead in the face of distractions and challenges. "I'm just not a marcher, and you're so good at that," he coos, a backhanded compliment that in effect crowns him the Don to my foot soldier. He makes the big decisions, I do the dirty work.


3) Arguments with one’s spouse are inevitable. These are the first of many more arguments to come. Learn from them…and get over it.


One night over drinks with my best friend, Tony, I hesitantly, delicately articulated some of the disappointments I had discovered in marriage. "Oh," Tony remarked grimly. "I'm really sorry to hear things aren't working out." What? Who said they weren't working out? (Another startling realization in the first year of marriage: Careful who you share your woes with.) Sure, I'd mentally entertained the "D" word during some of the bigger blowups, but Ofer and I had always resolved our disputes — or at least called a cease-fire — by the time our heads hit the pillows.


4) Despite all of the trouble, it’s all worth it (assuming you’ve actually selected the right person to spend the rest of your life with).


As we neared our one-year anniversary, my husband coaxed me into skydiving, despite my deep dislike of speed and heights. (He promised me outlet shopping on the way back.) My tandem instructor had to pry my hands from the side of the rickety twin-engine and nudge me off the ledge into the cold, blank sky. I pressed my eyes shut at first, stricken with uncertainty and terrified of getting hurt. But once the parachute deployed, I spent the duration of that quiet descent feeling satisfied — accomplished, even. I looked for my husband in the ether, wondering where we might land, reassured by the knowledge that it would be on solid ground.


Of course everyone’s experiences are (and will be) different during the first year, but keeping an open mind and leaving those crazy (and unrealistic) expectations out of your brain space should help minimize some of those headache-producing moments.

Wise Counsel

As a newlywed, I have experienced moments of utter confusion and frustration over some of my husband’s actions. For example, why does he always “forget” to throw his plastic water bottles in the recycling bin? He knows that I recycle. I even started a recycling program in my office building! Is he seriously trying to drive me insane?! Something as seemingly innocent as a discussion over garbage disposal can easily morph into a Tea Party vs. NAACP-style debate in a matter of moments.

Instead of marinating in my frustration during situations like these, I’ve found it helpful to seek the counsel of my “wise ones“ - trusted married friends who are able to provide sound and practical advice. My wise ones have reassured me of my sanity, checked me when I’ve overreacted (this happens frequently) and talked me off the ledge on several occasions. Even the Good Book advises to “listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” Proverbs 19:20.

A few caveats:

1. Your circle should be small and tight. - You really do not need the details of your personal life scattered around to your friends and family. Your advisors should be close, trusted and mature people who are willing to candidly share tales from their marriage in order to bring you perspective and guidance. Just knowing that someone out there has experienced a similar situation in their marriage can be all the comfort that you need.

2. Note the title of this post - WISE counsel. -If you find that your friend’s advice includes condoning acts of violence or encouraging you to chunk your deuces a la Chris Brown, this person’s counsel is probably full of BS and not wisdom.

3. Don’t bash your spouse. - Your counsel has less to do with your spouse’s behavior and more with your own. You can’t control how your spouse behaves but you can control how you react to his behavior. The counsel and advice you receive should focus on positive actions you can take to ensure the longevity of your union.

When you had trouble with a class in undergrad, you got a tutor. Needed career advice, you sought a mentor. Your marriage is a lifetime commitment that will (hopefully) outlast any degree or job that you’ll ever have - so why not seek advise from folks who have already “been there and done that“?

What's In A Name?

This month, my guest blogger (and bff) shares some wisdom on maintaining your own identity in your marriage. Enjoy! 

I was Adiki Risch for twenty-six years.    First name Adiki, Last name Risch.  Two very distinct and unique names that were used to identify me.   Once you have had a chance to get used to your name, it’s hard to think of yourself as anything else but the name your parents gave you. Yet,  I received a beautiful blessing in my twenties... Love came knocking.  First name James, Last name Gage.  

Gage?

Adiki…Gage?  Something about that just seemed so…. Different.  And it was.  For the first time in my life, I found that one of the challenges of Love was change.  Hmmm….  How was I going to do this?  The better question should have been, “How am I going to do this and not offend my future husband?”.  Do I have to take his name?  Would he be mad if I added it to my already unique name – kind of like an add-on?  Or would he insist that I drop it all and just go with his name?  To some women, this isn’t even a dilemma.  To me, it was huge.

 You see, to me a name is everything.  It is your identity – something that you affiliate yourself with more than anything else.  And because Love asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, did that mean that my identity goes out of the window?  A slew of other questions followed my initial hesitation on my new name:  If I change my name, what else is going to  change?  My hair?  Clothes?  Persona?  At what point could I morph into this other person that ends up being a totally different person from who I am now?  And if that happened, I wouldn’t be the same person he fell in love with, now could I?  And then what?  Arrrgggghhhh!!!!

Keeping your identity when you enter the union of marriage is so important.  Each person should determine what defines their identity and work to preserve it after jumping the broom.  To me, a big part of my identity is my name.  To many other women, their identity includes their hobbies, keeping up with girlfriends, play-dates with kids and church commitments.  I’ve seen a few sister-friends along the way who lost their identity when they married.  They turned into totally different people.  Now don’t get me wrong…there is some adjustment when it comes to marriage – but your core values and true self should stay the same.  That shouldn’t change for anyone. 

I’ve included a few tips on maintaining one’s identity for those who are contemplating marriage, recently engaged, or newly married. 

1.        Make sure you and your spouse have at least one hobby in common, but make sure you have something that you like to do that makes you happy.  At some point you’re going to need a break from spouse and/or kids and it’s nice to get lost in your own hobby every once in a while.

2.       Stay committed to your girlfriends.  Too often we get married and lose touch of our girlfriends.  It’s so important to stay friends with those who we knew before we knew love.  I try to meet with my close friends at least once a month.  Now that we are all mothers, it takes a little more effort, but the kids are growing so now it’s all about play-dates!

3.       Meditate.  Ladies, this has done wonders for me!  Whether you pray, yoga, meditate, chant, whatever it is, do it!  This does wonders in putting things back in perspective and spending time with your best friend – YOU!!!

To follow up on my name dilemma, for those wondering, I decided to use my head and just ask my Love what he thought of my name.   Come to find out, I was worried over nothing!  He said it was totally up to me.  He claimed that no matter what my name is, I’m his.  J  And he was absolutely correct!  So I decided to do what many progressive women before me have done.  I added his name to mine for professional reasons, but at home and socially, I’m simply Adiki Gage.     

Adiki Gage lives with her husband and son in Spring, TX.  Her hobbies include spending time with friends and family, blogging, laughing, and living life.

Memorial Day

I normally spend Memorial Day grubbin’ with family while enjoying some much needed time off from work. And while today was no exception, this year Memorial Day evoked a newlywed-related revelation which forced its way into my brain:

Memorial Day is for remembering the good stuff.

As a newlywed couple, you will both experience many “firsts” during the first year and just like a baby getting their first set of teeth, some of these firsts can be painful! It is so easy to focus on these negative “firsts”, but you must keep things in perspective. To borrow from the church song, your “good days outweigh the bad days”. There are plenty of kind acts, thoughtful words spoken, and funny moments shared which occur everyday in a marriage and these deserve our full focus - not the dirty dishes left in the sink!

In the devotional book “Praying for Our Marriage”, the author points out that developing a positive focus must be learned like any other habit.. With practice and prayer, we can teach ourselves to spend less time complaining and more time enjoying one another.

So this Memorial Day, I’m focusing on remembering all of those great things that I’ve experienced with my husband during our first year instead of focusing on the dirty clothes that never seem to make it into the hamper.

Happy Memorial Day!

Half On A Baby

As a newlywed, it seems that the general public gives you about 1 month or so to enjoy your new status as husband and wife before “they” feel that a you should add a third person to the mix…a BABY! And the baby questions begin. The baby questions include variations of the following:

- So when are you guys going to have kids?
- When should I expect a grandchild/niece/nephew?
- How many kids do you want?
- Have you started trying for kids yet?
-How old are you? You don’t want too long! (you get this especially if you are anywhere in the vicinity of 30)

You get the idea.

Depending on my mood, my response ranges from a simple “No, not just yet” to “So do you plan on helping me take care of these babies you tryin’ to make me have!”

These questions will come from people you barely know that well (i.e. co-workers, unintentionally annoying relatives, people at Wal-Mart…okay, maybe I‘m exaggerating but do you get the idea?). For some reason people feel comfortable getting all up in your personal business when it comes to this baby stuff.

Bringing a child into this world is a decision that you and your spouse should make together WITHOUT the influence of external parties. The discussion about when to have kids, how many to have, and how to raise them should be added to the list of “Things to Discuss Before Marriage*”. And the discussion should be detailed like:

-Do you believe in “spare the rod, spoil the child” or are you all for “time outs” ?
-Private School vs. Public Schools
-What’s your definition of too much punishment or spoiling (For example: Should you make the kids work for their first car or just give them a Maybach on their 16th birthday like Diddy gave Justin on MTV‘s “Sweet 16“?)
-When should our daughter get a perm (My husband and I had this discussion after seeing “Good Hair”)
-Should someone stay home the first few years?
-How should we censor their media exposure (Is a little Lil’ Wayne okay or should we keep them on a strict Radio Disney only diet?)

Right now, I’m not ready give up my “play money” (money for impromptu trips abroad, shopping and other selfish miscellany) to deal with paying what amounts to a mortgage each month in childcare nor am I quite ready to sacrifice my free time to attend to the needs of a little “bundle of joy”.

My husband and I made the decision (before getting married) to enjoy our time together as husband and wife(sans babies) for a certain amount of time. The way we see it, our relationship is the foundation that our future family will be built upon and we want to ensure that it is as strong and as solid as possible.

So for now, I’m completely content with honing my diaper changing, burping, and mothering skills on other folks babies, until God blesses us with a “rugrat” of our own.



*a good premarital counselor can help guide you through this discussion

You Reap What You Sow

“…for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” - Galatians 6:7

Late last summer I finally purchased some live vegetation for our newlywed nest (I‘m not too big on fake flowers but I have seen some realistic ones at Hobby Lobby. I digress….). A beautiful , tropical-looking plant with broad, waxy leaves, perfect for brightening up our living room and adding some much needed oxygen to our home. After I set the plant in its new pot next to the fireplace, I figured I’d only have water it a couple of times a week. No biggie.

All was well in the beginning. The plant grew beautifully, even with my sporadic attention. But the demands of work, out of town travel, and plain laziness turned my once sporadic care completely non-existent. And as expected, the plant began to wither. I thought that maybe it needed some sun so I moved it outside. Then we had a tornado/hurricane/tsunami. What was left of the plant was a shriveled mess so my husband finally put it out of its misery and threw it away.

My brief horticultural experience got me thinking about how caring for a plant is so similar to marriage. Like the plant, if you neglect your marriage (not enough attention, affection, communication, etc.) your spouse will respond accordingly. And you can’t expect to “reap” something that you are not contributing yourself.

In Dr. Robin Smith’s book “Lies at the Altar”, she stresses that marriage is for mature adults who should be prepared to get out only as much as they are willing to put in to the relationship. So if all you do is nag and criticize your spouse, don’t be surprised if you receive the same treatment from your spouse in return.

So in my marriage, I try (emphasis on try) to make an effort at sowing positivity into our relationship. For instance, I make an effort to fix hubby’s fave dishes or stay up to discuss the day when he comes home late from class. These are small acts, but cumulatively I think they contribute to the overall health and longevity of our marriage.

And I really don’t want my marriage ending up like that plant!

Clean House

I can't lie, one of the best parts of getting married (besides becoming “Mrs._________”) is all the gifts that you and your spouse receive. Toasters, coffee makers, cash, blenders, vases, frames – did I mention the cash? It was as if I were a kid at Christmas, ripping through every beautifully wrapped package and digging through the Styrofoam peanuts just to see what new item lay beneath. However, what no one tells you is that someone will have to clean up all that pretty wrapping paper and put away all of those nice new gifts. And in this case, that proverbial “someone” will most likely be “wifey”. This initial post-nuptial exercise commonly known as “de-cluttering” is only a preview of the domestic responsibilities you, the woman, will take on as a newlywed.

Even in today's modern society where women work outside of the home in record numbers, women are still considered the primary caretakers of the home. According to a 2009 Consumer Reports/Smart Money survey, 83% of married women report they do the majority of household cleaning; which includes scrubbing tubs, toilets, stoves- all of the things she'd rather pay someone else to do!

While the word “tidy” has never been used to describe me, I'm not a complete slob either. I fall somewhere in the middle between a garbage pail kid and Martha Stewart. Cleaning up after myself, let alone someone else, is definitely not my idea of fun, but it is a necessary task that all newlywed wives must tackle.

Don't get me wrong, I am in no way implying that you should serve as your man's personal cleaning service...just don't be shocked if you end up with the greater share of the household cleaning chores. Even if you decide to hire a housekeeper, who do you think will be the one to check up on her work?

My husband and I decided the best solution for us is to equally split the housework between the two of us. Well at least that’s our intent. In reality some weeks, we both contribute our share and our home looks like the “after” from an episode of “Clean House.” While other weeks, I can't find the time to finish folding clothes and we have to fetch them from the dryer on before going into work Monday morning. I'm a work in progress. The key is to be patient and forgive yourself and your spouse. Truth be told, you'll have a lifetime together to figure out the nuances of household cleaning schedules.

Here are a few suggestions that helped hubby and I avoid dreaded disputes over household cleaning:

1. Define “Clean” - We were presented with this exercise during our premarital counseling; describe in detail your definition of a clean house. Does this mean spotless floors, fresh towels on a daily basis, “Windex-ed” mirrors, and sanitized bathroom surfaces? Be specific! I can recall a particularly lengthy (and humorous) discussion that my husband I had regarding our preferences in bathroom cleaners. I espoused the virtues of Lysol Tub & Tile Foam Spray while he defended the cleaning power of the old school favorite, “Comet”. That may be a little too detailed, but be sure to communicate any preferences or “deal breakers” (i.e. hair in the sink, wet towels on the floor, etc).

2. Make a Schedule – We follow a cleaning schedule which works pretty well for us. On Saturdays I start the laundry and do the major bathroom and kitchen cleaning; he clears out all of the garbage and extra clutter that's found its way into the house during the week. Pick whatever chores you hate the least and dive in! You'll have a clean house in no time!

3. Over Communicate – The “C” word seems to be at the core of everything in a marriage, even household chores. If you feel that your spouse isn't pulling his/her fair share of the weight in the cleaning area, let them know! You definitely don't want resentment to grow while your spouse is completely clueless.