Divorceable Action

I know that I’m waaay late in providing my two cents on the now infamous Kardashian-Humphries, 72 day marriage, but I felt compelled to write about it after seeing a promo for the Kim and Kourtney Take on New York show. I did not catch the entire advert, but the gist was that Kim was upset with Kris for leaving the country without her knowledge (cue dramatic music and serious, deep voice announcer guy). This action ultimately led to Kim filing for divorce a few weeks later.

Was Kim right to be upset about Kris’ immature and inconsiderate trip abroad, ABSOLUTELY! Was this a reason for divorce, ABSOLUTELY NOT (in my opinion)!

I know that many may disagree with me, but one thing that I have gained in these first few years of marriage (aside from those stubborn newlywed pounds) is an increased tolerance and patience in dealing with my spouse. Admittedly, we have both been guilty of thoughtless behavior as we adjust to our new status as "Mr. and Mrs.". For some, it just takes a little longer to acquiesce, and I think Kris may be one of those people. Kris’ actions reflect his age, character, and maybe some general naiveté about marriage. All of these things are understandable and a part of that sometimes painful adjustment period that all newlyweds go through.

This is why I'm a staunch advocate of a lengthy courting period (at least 1 year). There are always exceptions to the rule, but I believe it takes some time to learn a person's true character and to see how they react in different situations before you can make a decision about spending the rest of your life with this person.

Our premarital counselor always made a point of stressing the seriousness and permanence of marriage to us. In so many words he was trying to tell us that if we had any doubts about what we were about to embark upon, to work through them or decide to get out now! My husband and I both had an understanding of the seriousness of our union to ourselves, our family, our friends, and our future progeny. We also felt that we knew each other well enough to feel completely confident in the decision we were making.

An understanding of the severity of marriage makes one think more than twice before proceeding with any type of divorce action. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that if either spouse becomes emotionally or physically abusive, or does something to undermine each other's happiness and well being then divorce is certainly justifiable and appropriate. If he becomes the NeNe to my Kim, the Tea Party to my Obama, you best believe I’ll be headed to the attorney’s office with a quickness.

Not to sound like a broken record but I truly believe that marriages require work and effort. You get out what you put in. Couples should approach marriage in the same way the Toyota approaches automobile manufacturing: continuous quality improvement. Keep working on your issues together until you can come up with solutions that work for the two of you. Check in with each other to ensure that you are both getting what you need out of the relationship and are happy in the marriage. I know some couples who actually schedule "state of the union" meetings with each other periodically. Do what works for you!

While rumors abound over the legitimacy of the Humphries-Kardashian marriage, the romantic in me believes that these two were truly in love but entered into the marriage with unrealistic expectations. The ever present and intrusive media could not have helped the situation either. Hopefully, these two have learned their lesson and will consider the realities of married life before saying "I do" again.

Goodbye 2011....

2011 was an eventful year to say the least. I’m well aware of the truth in common adages like “ life is full of challenges” and “the only thing certain about life is uncertainty”, but this year’s life lessons seemed to have come from the Biblical book of Job. Okay, maybe I was not afflicted with sores or the loss of all of my worldly possessions but this year definitely sucked to say the least.


The year culmintated with the loss of my father in later October. Watching him die and later planning his funeral were the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. No amount of meditation or preparation can prepare you for such a devastating loss. And, while I welcome life’s opportunities for personal growth and maturation, I prefer my life lessons come in the form of Joel Osteen sermons or observing the misadventures of the Housewives of (pick your city).

But as the Romans 8:28 says “all things work together for the good of those who love Him”, for it was throughout these trying trials that I was affirmed of the primary benefit of marriage: true partnership. My husband was by my side at all times offering his support, not only in words but in action. If the tables had been turned, I’m not even sure that I would have been able to be as supportive, positive and gracious in the face of such adversity.

So as my friends and neighbors begin 2012 by resolving to reduce their waistlines or honor Oprah by refraining from texting while driving, I’m resolving to take a queue from the Bible by actively choosing to set my mind on positive things. Philippians 4:8 says “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”. It would be easy to wallow in self pity and focus solely on the negatives from the past year, but I’m choosing instead to focus the positives, thanking God for a supportive spouse, and thanking Him in advance for an awesome 2012.

Jumping the Broom

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything (got to do better!) ,but I wrote this a while back and never got around to posting it. Hope you enjoy it! - The (Not so) Newlywed

This weekend, between preparing for Mother’s Day and running my usual weekend errands, I made my way to the movie theater to see the latest black movie de jour, “Jumping the Broom”. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! The movie is wonderfully produced, full of intelligent dialogue, realistic scenarios, beautiful people and beautiful scenery. It’s the anti-Madea :-)

One of the major themes of the movie is the involvement of families in the lives of engaged couples. Whether you like it or not, you must deal with the fact that you are not only marrying your boo, but also his whole family. That includes the bougie auntie who wouldn’t dare wear shoes without red soles, or his brother who always seems to be in need of a loan. Yep, that’s your family too now!

Some newlyweds are lucky and find themselves in love with their in-laws as much as with their spouse, while others may find themselves wondering why God has chosen to have them marry into a family of Jerry Springer Show guests. The fact is that this is your family now and this is the man/woman that you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Because your spouse’s family is important to them, they should be important to you. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean you need to have a standing weekly lunch date with him mom, but you should definitely try to be gracious and respectful towards them.

In the movie the groom’s mom and the bride bump heads due to miscommunication and misunderstandings around the wedding plans. Wedding are a super emotionally charged event (the parent feel like they are losing a child, the betrothed are nervous about their future roles, the bride is nervous about fitting into her dress etc..) and although you may feel it’s only about you and your boo, the family has their own plans. That’s why it’s so important for the engaged couple to present themselves as a united front.

Here are a few things that I learned about how to handle the family when it comes to wedding details:

1. Let him/her handle his or her own family: Your spouse should make sure that his side is on board with wedding plans (ex. when to show up at rehearsal, guests lists, putting the crazy people in check) and you need to do them same for yours.

2. Let it Go! – Although you may have dreamed of _(fill in with your fantasy)_ your whole life, your soon-to-be in-laws may have some input on things they want to see on your special day as well. I’m one for compromise so there’s nothing wrong with carrying his grandmother’s antique hankie, using his cousin as a soloist, or making sure his auntie’s ex-husband is sitting away from the rest of the family. Especially if your spouse’s side is paying for some portion of the wedding, you should just be prepared for them to have some input. Deal with it.

3. Have each other’s back! – Remember you two are now becoming one so it’s important not to allow the opinions, comments, or well intentioned “suggestions” of others to steer you and your future spouse away from your plans or away from each other.

Just remember the Enemy does not like marriage and sees weddings as the ideal time to start riffs and strife in a seemingly blessed relationship. Make sure you two stay prayed up as a unit and remember THIS IS ONLY ONE DAY. The marriage is what’s most important and not the wedding!

Get Motivated

Where has the time gone! Looks like my vow to post something here at least once a month got lost in the holiday bustle. That and my laziness tends to go into overdrive between my birthday and New Year’s. But I have managed to pull myself from my preferred reclined position on the sofa watching ubiquitous Law & Order re-runs to jot down  another marriage-related epiphany.

This latest revelation came while sitting through a never ending series of motivational speakers at the Get Motivated! Seminar in Dallas. (Yep, some genius at my company thought it would be a good idea to send our entire department to this.) Between Zig Ziggler’s cute one liners, Emmett Smith’s robotic speech delivery (poor thing, he tried, but you could tell he was nervous) and Steve Forbes’ “make money, don‘t let it make you” talk, I actually kept my eyes open long enough to glean some universal advice from one of the speakers… “Words of encouragement can go a long way. Be sure to encourage and motivate other as they work towards their goals.” 

This advice is not only applicable to the workplace, but to a marriage as well. Its so easy to focus on your personal goals (finishing school, getting the promotion, losing 10 pounds) instead of shifting your focus to your spouse and their goals. They also require encouragement and as partners for life, you should be each other’s loudest cheerleaders. So if your spouse is working on opening a business or finishing grad school, you should be there to listen to his ideas and encourage him as he makes moves.

Now of course there’s always a caveat.  As each other’s BFFs, you should not hesitate to provide a dose of reality when needed. For example, if your spouse feels led to liquidate your retirement funds in order to pursue his goal of becoming a platinum rapper at the age of 40, you need to encourage him to reconsider that goal for a more realistic one.

So I’m making an extra effort at encouraging my spouse to achieve his personal goals and he’s doing the same for me. Now I just need to work on cheering for those “characters” that I work with…that’s going to take some extra effort!

Great Expectations

I ran across this Marie Claire article recently in which the author, a newlywed, recounts her overall experience in her first year of marriage. Seriously, this woman’s experience is eerily similar to mine, which is sort of comforting to me as it confirms that the feelings of confusion/glee/disappointment/bliss I’ve been cycling through during year 1.


Here’s a link to the entire article (CLICK HERE) , but I’ve pulled out a few of the author’s key points which mirror a lot of what I’ve discussed in past blog entries:


1) The realization that your notion of marriage is far from realistic…


Just eight hours into my marriage and I was already faking it. Debilitated by exhaustion, I peeled off my wedding dress and mustered the energy to change into a wickedly uncomfortable, laughably over-the-top lingerie set that had me spilling out of every seam. This is what new wives are supposed to do, right? Never mind that, in that moment, I had zero desire to start fulfilling wifely obligations. That should have been my first clue that my artfully constructed notion of marriage was short a few planks.


2) Domestic duties seemingly end up with the “Mrs.”, despite how enlightened one’s spouse may claim to be…


Household realities like checking up on the cleaning woman, making sure the fridge was stocked, even scheduling our therapy sessions became my responsibility. My husband calls it "marching" — the ability to plow ahead in the face of distractions and challenges. "I'm just not a marcher, and you're so good at that," he coos, a backhanded compliment that in effect crowns him the Don to my foot soldier. He makes the big decisions, I do the dirty work.


3) Arguments with one’s spouse are inevitable. These are the first of many more arguments to come. Learn from them…and get over it.


One night over drinks with my best friend, Tony, I hesitantly, delicately articulated some of the disappointments I had discovered in marriage. "Oh," Tony remarked grimly. "I'm really sorry to hear things aren't working out." What? Who said they weren't working out? (Another startling realization in the first year of marriage: Careful who you share your woes with.) Sure, I'd mentally entertained the "D" word during some of the bigger blowups, but Ofer and I had always resolved our disputes — or at least called a cease-fire — by the time our heads hit the pillows.


4) Despite all of the trouble, it’s all worth it (assuming you’ve actually selected the right person to spend the rest of your life with).


As we neared our one-year anniversary, my husband coaxed me into skydiving, despite my deep dislike of speed and heights. (He promised me outlet shopping on the way back.) My tandem instructor had to pry my hands from the side of the rickety twin-engine and nudge me off the ledge into the cold, blank sky. I pressed my eyes shut at first, stricken with uncertainty and terrified of getting hurt. But once the parachute deployed, I spent the duration of that quiet descent feeling satisfied — accomplished, even. I looked for my husband in the ether, wondering where we might land, reassured by the knowledge that it would be on solid ground.


Of course everyone’s experiences are (and will be) different during the first year, but keeping an open mind and leaving those crazy (and unrealistic) expectations out of your brain space should help minimize some of those headache-producing moments.

Wise Counsel

As a newlywed, I have experienced moments of utter confusion and frustration over some of my husband’s actions. For example, why does he always “forget” to throw his plastic water bottles in the recycling bin? He knows that I recycle. I even started a recycling program in my office building! Is he seriously trying to drive me insane?! Something as seemingly innocent as a discussion over garbage disposal can easily morph into a Tea Party vs. NAACP-style debate in a matter of moments.

Instead of marinating in my frustration during situations like these, I’ve found it helpful to seek the counsel of my “wise ones“ - trusted married friends who are able to provide sound and practical advice. My wise ones have reassured me of my sanity, checked me when I’ve overreacted (this happens frequently) and talked me off the ledge on several occasions. Even the Good Book advises to “listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” Proverbs 19:20.

A few caveats:

1. Your circle should be small and tight. - You really do not need the details of your personal life scattered around to your friends and family. Your advisors should be close, trusted and mature people who are willing to candidly share tales from their marriage in order to bring you perspective and guidance. Just knowing that someone out there has experienced a similar situation in their marriage can be all the comfort that you need.

2. Note the title of this post - WISE counsel. -If you find that your friend’s advice includes condoning acts of violence or encouraging you to chunk your deuces a la Chris Brown, this person’s counsel is probably full of BS and not wisdom.

3. Don’t bash your spouse. - Your counsel has less to do with your spouse’s behavior and more with your own. You can’t control how your spouse behaves but you can control how you react to his behavior. The counsel and advice you receive should focus on positive actions you can take to ensure the longevity of your union.

When you had trouble with a class in undergrad, you got a tutor. Needed career advice, you sought a mentor. Your marriage is a lifetime commitment that will (hopefully) outlast any degree or job that you’ll ever have - so why not seek advise from folks who have already “been there and done that“?

What's In A Name?

This month, my guest blogger (and bff) shares some wisdom on maintaining your own identity in your marriage. Enjoy! 

I was Adiki Risch for twenty-six years.    First name Adiki, Last name Risch.  Two very distinct and unique names that were used to identify me.   Once you have had a chance to get used to your name, it’s hard to think of yourself as anything else but the name your parents gave you. Yet,  I received a beautiful blessing in my twenties... Love came knocking.  First name James, Last name Gage.  

Gage?

Adiki…Gage?  Something about that just seemed so…. Different.  And it was.  For the first time in my life, I found that one of the challenges of Love was change.  Hmmm….  How was I going to do this?  The better question should have been, “How am I going to do this and not offend my future husband?”.  Do I have to take his name?  Would he be mad if I added it to my already unique name – kind of like an add-on?  Or would he insist that I drop it all and just go with his name?  To some women, this isn’t even a dilemma.  To me, it was huge.

 You see, to me a name is everything.  It is your identity – something that you affiliate yourself with more than anything else.  And because Love asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, did that mean that my identity goes out of the window?  A slew of other questions followed my initial hesitation on my new name:  If I change my name, what else is going to  change?  My hair?  Clothes?  Persona?  At what point could I morph into this other person that ends up being a totally different person from who I am now?  And if that happened, I wouldn’t be the same person he fell in love with, now could I?  And then what?  Arrrgggghhhh!!!!

Keeping your identity when you enter the union of marriage is so important.  Each person should determine what defines their identity and work to preserve it after jumping the broom.  To me, a big part of my identity is my name.  To many other women, their identity includes their hobbies, keeping up with girlfriends, play-dates with kids and church commitments.  I’ve seen a few sister-friends along the way who lost their identity when they married.  They turned into totally different people.  Now don’t get me wrong…there is some adjustment when it comes to marriage – but your core values and true self should stay the same.  That shouldn’t change for anyone. 

I’ve included a few tips on maintaining one’s identity for those who are contemplating marriage, recently engaged, or newly married. 

1.        Make sure you and your spouse have at least one hobby in common, but make sure you have something that you like to do that makes you happy.  At some point you’re going to need a break from spouse and/or kids and it’s nice to get lost in your own hobby every once in a while.

2.       Stay committed to your girlfriends.  Too often we get married and lose touch of our girlfriends.  It’s so important to stay friends with those who we knew before we knew love.  I try to meet with my close friends at least once a month.  Now that we are all mothers, it takes a little more effort, but the kids are growing so now it’s all about play-dates!

3.       Meditate.  Ladies, this has done wonders for me!  Whether you pray, yoga, meditate, chant, whatever it is, do it!  This does wonders in putting things back in perspective and spending time with your best friend – YOU!!!

To follow up on my name dilemma, for those wondering, I decided to use my head and just ask my Love what he thought of my name.   Come to find out, I was worried over nothing!  He said it was totally up to me.  He claimed that no matter what my name is, I’m his.  J  And he was absolutely correct!  So I decided to do what many progressive women before me have done.  I added his name to mine for professional reasons, but at home and socially, I’m simply Adiki Gage.     

Adiki Gage lives with her husband and son in Spring, TX.  Her hobbies include spending time with friends and family, blogging, laughing, and living life.