This month, my guest blogger (and bff) shares some wisdom on maintaining your own identity in your marriage. Enjoy!
I was Adiki Risch for twenty-six years. First name Adiki, Last name Risch. Two very distinct and unique names that were used to identify me. Once you have had a chance to get used to your name, it’s hard to think of yourself as anything else but the name your parents gave you. Yet, I received a beautiful blessing in my twenties... Love came knocking. First name James, Last name Gage.
Gage?
Adiki…Gage? Something about that just seemed so…. Different. And it was. For the first time in my life, I found that one of the challenges of Love was change. Hmmm…. How was I going to do this? The better question should have been, “How am I going to do this and not offend my future husband?”. Do I have to take his name? Would he be mad if I added it to my already unique name – kind of like an add-on? Or would he insist that I drop it all and just go with his name? To some women, this isn’t even a dilemma. To me, it was huge.
You see, to me a name is everything. It is your identity – something that you affiliate yourself with more than anything else. And because Love asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, did that mean that my identity goes out of the window? A slew of other questions followed my initial hesitation on my new name: If I change my name, what else is going to change? My hair? Clothes? Persona? At what point could I morph into this other person that ends up being a totally different person from who I am now? And if that happened, I wouldn’t be the same person he fell in love with, now could I? And then what? Arrrgggghhhh!!!!
Keeping your identity when you enter the union of marriage is so important. Each person should determine what defines their identity and work to preserve it after jumping the broom. To me, a big part of my identity is my name. To many other women, their identity includes their hobbies, keeping up with girlfriends, play-dates with kids and church commitments. I’ve seen a few sister-friends along the way who lost their identity when they married. They turned into totally different people. Now don’t get me wrong…there is some adjustment when it comes to marriage – but your core values and true self should stay the same. That shouldn’t change for anyone.
I’ve included a few tips on maintaining one’s identity for those who are contemplating marriage, recently engaged, or newly married.
1. Make sure you and your spouse have at least one hobby in common, but make sure you have something that you like to do that makes you happy. At some point you’re going to need a break from spouse and/or kids and it’s nice to get lost in your own hobby every once in a while.
2. Stay committed to your girlfriends. Too often we get married and lose touch of our girlfriends. It’s so important to stay friends with those who we knew before we knew love. I try to meet with my close friends at least once a month. Now that we are all mothers, it takes a little more effort, but the kids are growing so now it’s all about play-dates!
3. Meditate. Ladies, this has done wonders for me! Whether you pray, yoga, meditate, chant, whatever it is, do it! This does wonders in putting things back in perspective and spending time with your best friend – YOU!!!
To follow up on my name dilemma, for those wondering, I decided to use my head and just ask my Love what he thought of my name. Come to find out, I was worried over nothing! He said it was totally up to me. He claimed that no matter what my name is, I’m his. J And he was absolutely correct! So I decided to do what many progressive women before me have done. I added his name to mine for professional reasons, but at home and socially, I’m simply Adiki Gage.
